If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Randomize
