I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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