im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
