Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
