she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
