shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Randomize
