I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
