he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
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