So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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