hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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