I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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