I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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