I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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