Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
