I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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