I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
I'm passing your future prison.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
