I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Randomize
