can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
