i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
