shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
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