i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
