Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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