I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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