Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
