He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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