So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
