she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
