My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Randomize
