Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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