Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
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