I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
