he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Dating After Heartbreak
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied