genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.