i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I look better un-naked...
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
