I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize