I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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