I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
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then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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