Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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