so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
