Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Randomize
