i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
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