Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
