Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Randomize
