I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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