just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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