just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
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