i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
