Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
