I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
