took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
