I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
