sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
