But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
