Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
