when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
lol hangovers are for mortals.