My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
21 Times Karma Showed These People Not to Mess Around
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.