made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
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Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
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Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.