For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
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Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
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Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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