I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
