If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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