If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
